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Sunday, 6 November 2016

GOD is inside me





I’m a firm believer that there’s nothing as being ‘Too busy’; you really make time for whatever it is you deem important and a priority, irrespective of how busy life gets. I fell into this trap, I must admit. My silence has been affected by me allowing my schedule to affect my ultimate favourite past time; blogging. I do apologize for the silence and promise to attempt to change, I will try :) 
 
Almost 5 months ago my agent contacted me regarding the musical the ‘the colour purple’; she told me the producer of the the broadway musical was keen on seeing me and a few other young hopeful actors in Cape Town for an audition. Initially the show was only going to audition in Johannesburg and Pretoria in forms of open castings but in Cape Town decided to have close auditions for a selected few, at their discretion. I could not believe that out of all the male actors that resided in the Cape, I was one of the 25 odd male actors selected to go and audition. I was even more shocked to find that the renowned director and theatre veteran, Janice Honeyman was going to be part of the panel and would serve as the director of the production. This surely was God ordained. I dreamt for years to be under her direction as a young actor.
I was adamant that this surely was God moving me into a greater and brighter direction. It was a sign. I knew that I had what it took, surely. I also believed I’d give it my best shot and in my mind I believed I’d get it, but then again, that’s how we actors think- we never really go into an audition with the thought of doing badly and not getting the job. Part of my responsibility as an actor is to do research on a role and the particular production I want to audition for, I listened to all the songs in the broadway musical and read the novel on which the show is based on. I was also ecstatic about the production because I read the book when I was in primary school and my two favourite artists; Oprah Winfrey and Whoopi Goldberg were starring actors on the film adaptation of the production. Everything was just a sign. Everything was making me believe that this was truly the next ‘big thing’ for me as a young aspiring artist. 

On the evening before the audition I sat listening to the songs again on my laptop via YouTube and was drawn to the theme song of the broadway musical, the melody was remarkable and the words were amazing. The opening line of the theme song is ‘God is inside me and everyone else’. I was sold to this song, I listened to it repeatedly and played it in my sleep. It just filled the spaces and empty voids in my heart like cushions. It healed me in so many ways, I don’t think I can quite articulate in words how the song made me feel.  I spent months prepping for the audition and on the day of the big day, I lost it. I saw many successful actors as I usually do at the castings I attend, this time a big sense of insecurity of my abilities as an actor came rushing in. I began feeling heavy intimidation and kept comparing myself with all the successful Theatre performers and actors present. They all sat in groups, they all knew one another and I was the outsider, the ‘newbee ‘that no one knew and would talk to, I felt small, tiny to be exact. Janice Honeyman and the producers walked past me and I felt worse. I wanted to run, to run as fast as the wind could blow me. I was doomed.
We entered the audition room in groups and I messed it up. My voice was shaking, my head was spinning and my entire body was  ‘going through the most’. I knew I messed it up and it was no surprise when they announced who made it to the next round and I was one of the actors on the other side of the room who were told they did not make it. My heart was broken. I could feel a heavy lump in my throat. I could feel tears waiting to stream down my cheeks. I was distraught. 

I remember waiting in the renowned upstairs area of the Baxter Theater  for my cab driver who told me he’d be two hours late because of heavy traffic (which made it worse) talking on the phone with one of my close friends Mpume who I often talk to when the world literally feels against me, and its in that very moment I realized the biggest lesson of this entire audition that ‘GOD IS INSIDE ME!’ Just like the opening line of the theme song of this very musical. It became so personal for me. It wasn’t just a beautifully written song but was a testimony on its own. 

I messed up an entire audition because I failed to realize that God was inside me and instead focussed on bad energy and nonsensical thoughts of feeling inadequate and insecure. It never dawned on me that it said something about me as an actor to be requested to audition for the country’s  biggest directors and producers, with some of the country’s best actors on one of the world’s biggest productions- The colour purple. It didn’t dawn on me for even a slight split second that God was inside me. He was present; he led me there to begin with.  A few weeks later I was at the same Baxter Theater recording the first episode of what I now call my successful attempt of having a talk show with my icon and much loved veteran actress, Thembi Mtshali-Jones. I sat through that interview, marvelling at the reality that truly God was inside me.
Never miss a moment by doubting that God is inside you. Always understand that you are on earth for a bigger and better purpose and in the words of Oprah; “God can dream a bigger dream than you could ever dream for yourself”. He has amazing plans for each and every-one of us. Don’t miss any moment because of fear, self-doubt or intimidation. I had to learn this the hard way, but I finally grasped it, that GOD IS INSIDE ME.

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